In October 2021 the Chai in the City Open Group for Punjabi men met virtually to discuss the topic of bereavement. Here are some reflections from the brilliant team who facilitate and contribute towards those conversations.
October’s Chai in the City men’s forum focused on bereavement and how we deal with it on an individual level and as a collective in the Punjabi culture. Firstly, to start off with the positives, space is created to grieve when invited round to pay your respects at the home of the deceased. It’s a chance to reconnect with family you may not have seen for a long time which can sometimes help to even heal those relationships. This collective grief is not only cathartic but shows how many people come to wish the deceased well in the afterlife.
On the other hand, this can be somewhat frustrating for some, especially when seeing relatives and friends who have not been around for the person who has passed when they were alive. Some prefer to grieve with those closest to them and not be surrounded by ‘strangers’ in their house and it’s almost as though you are expected to follow these traditions.
When it comes to religious ceremonies some found it a challenge to just deal with their grief in that one space. Often this is the only place you are allowed to ‘feel sad’. Afterwards, you’re told to ‘move on’ and ‘don’t cry’ anymore. It feels the funeral and paath are the only places you’re permitted to think and talk about the person who has passed away. There seems to be a lot of ‘musts’ and ‘shoulds’ (through advice from family members and friends), which can hinder the natural process of loss whereby your feelings and expression of emotions are not validated as they don’t follow the norm of how we conceal these emotions in the Punjabi culture.
When it comes to deaths which aren’t of old age and involve illnesses or deaths by suicide, there is a big taboo to talk about this as it’s often believed you have passed as a result of these if you have committed a sin. Therefore is seldom spoken about and often denied, particularly around deaths by suicide.
Gatherings at funerals or even sorting out the practicalities of experiencing a death in the family can be even more of a challenge, particularly if siblings/ other family members do not get along. This can make the grieving process even more difficult as your social support structure is not there. This is made even more of challenge when you have to travel abroad to India for a funeral. There is a feeling of detachment when ensuring the deceased’s body is ‘sorted out’, it almost becomes a business when undergoing the rituals. Often it is the eldest male who takes a main role in India, this can put a lot of pressure on the individual to ‘stay strong’ and not cry in front of relatives, parents, children and friends.
Most importantly, on an individual level, grief never just goes away, we grow around it. It’s through our own coping mechanisms that we reach a stage of acceptance that person who has passed will never return. Therefore it is important we have the space, seek the right advice when we’re ready and that we are conscious we don’t impose our views and expectations on people who are grieving.